purpose

1 Unique Way to Uncover Your Purpose in Life

| Rachel Boulos

one unique way to discover your purpose in lifeYesterday I sat by my fireplace wrapped in three blankets. And a bathrobe. Drinking coffee. And it was 50 degrees outside. Yeah, I’m cool like that.

All snuggled and warm, my mind drifted to memories of last year. My first winter on autoimmune meds completely changed the way I functioned. The cold weather suddenly presented an entirely new problem for me: sick season. I was scared straight with the never ending list of risks and side effects, creating a bout of anxiety for my compromised immune system.

So every year when the weather begins to chill, I give a half-hearted wave to the world and tuck myself in for a long winter nap. I spent the majority of last winter in self-induced hibernation, away from the public, reluctantly canceling plans with friends who had a sniffle. I felt like I had to screen guests with a “symptom questionnaire” before they were even allowed to enter my home.

That first winter was a very lonely season. But it was also a surprising season of transformation. Continue reading →

The Butterfly Effect: pain with a purpose

| Rachel Boulos

butterflyFighting for my health day in and day out gets old after awhile. I’m tired of always having to be on my game. Wear a mask in the doctor’s office, avoid friends and family who are sick, carefully watch food preparation, keep the house disinfected, be vigilant about washing and using hand sanitizer until your hands feel raw. This way of living can create a sense of exhaustion, frustration, and loneliness. I hate that my energy gets depleted so quickly and that my ability to fight infection is low enough that it changes the way I live. Though we don’t voice it often, we wonder how long this will last and if it will ever get better. With all the current risks, it’s hard to silence the nagging fear in the back of our minds that we might not get to grow old together. After awhile, living with disease begins to take its toll.

But I am learning a new perspective on what is good. For over a year I have prayed, begged, and pleaded with God to restore me to full health. My husband has also prayed every single day that God would heal me of my autoimmune disease. But I am still sick. Continue reading →

The Questions that Saved My Life

| Rachel Boulos

questions

At some point in our lives we will all experience a tragedy, a physical illness, the death of a loved one, or the loss of a dream. In these moments, doubts and questions will arise. How could this happen? Why me? What did I do to deserve this? How am I ever going to survive this? Where is God in all of this?

I have been there. Three times, in fact. My father suddenly died in his 40’s, leaving me to pick up the pieces of my shattered teenage heart. In college, I battled a dark depression that threatened to undermine my faith, my mind, and my emotional well being. And recently, with the rapid decline of my physical health and diagnosis of an autoimmune disease. Did I really trust God to take care of me? Could I really depend on Him to provide what I needed? If He really cared about me, why was He letting me suffer? I knew He could heal me, but could I keep my faith even if He chose not to? Do I still believe God is good and loving even when He doesn’t step in to relieve my suffering? These questions haunted me.

But these questions saved my life. Continue reading →

The Broken Road: my journey with disease

| Rachel Boulos

the broken road my journey with diseaseIt started out as a normal summer day and we couldn’t have been more thrilled. Hubs and I had just purchased our very first home. And it was yellow. I had prayed for yellow. Moving day was set, our boxes packed. We were moving right along with our list of goals: New house, check. Jobs, check. Furniture, check. Search for a dog, check. Our future was looking bright.

And then it happened. Something didn’t feel quite right. My energy started to fail and I found myself getting easily fatigued. Over the next few weeks my knees began to swell until they became the size of cantaloupes. As the swelling increased, the pain grew. It hurt to walk, it hurt to stand, it hurt to move.

I spent my 30th birthday and a good part of that year battling a crippling disease. Instead of gracefully waltzing into a new decade, I hobbled my way through. Within two weeks of our move I became confined to our couch, utterly fatigued without even enough energy to make myself a sandwich. Even hobbling across the floor to the bathroom became a tremendous feat. My body was rapidly breaking down before my very eyes and there was nothing I could do about it. Continue reading →

Live Well, Worry Less

| Rachel Boulos

live wellThis is not intended to be another one of those “if you try harder you can have a better life” kind of blogs. I have little energy to spare as it is and the idea of trying harder makes me want to take a nap! If you are anything like me, my mind is consumed enough with to-do lists, present troubles, and future worries to leave little room for thinking about how to really live well. I’m just running from day to day trying to survive and keep all the balls in the air.

But if I’m going to spend energy and run around like a crazy person, I want it to count. I want my life to matter. I want to know Continue reading →